Please Post Jokes

Come on now I know you guys know some jokes.. I would really like to hear some jokes!!

Jokes will be alright as long as they are not degrading to society , and also if they are not filled with any cuss words other than maybe a hell or damm if neccesary...Please follow the rules folks...

I will Delete any Nasty ones and then I will have to send you angry mail!

Here's my 1st one:

Q: What's a mixed feeling
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Honda.

WheelBrokerAng

Q: What does Chevrolet really mean?
A: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time


Q: What does Kia stand for?
A: Keep It Away!



A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

I've heard this one before, but it still always makes me laugh

Tampax has a new national slogan:
"We may not be number 1, but we're right up there."

Don't forget we have women members guys!!!!!

So there was this trucker sitting in his rig at a truck stop one day and he noticed this little kid sitting on the side walk next to a cat acting a little peculiar.

The kid was sitting there and he'd take a piece of candy throw it up in the air catch it in his mouth, lean over bite the cat on the tail and slide down the sidewalk a square. The trucker just continued to watch as he attempted to figure out what this kid was doing and after seeing this happen about 4 times he finally couldn't take it anymore. So he gets out of his truck and walks over to the kid and says "Son, I've been watching you for a bit now as you toss up some candy catch it, chew it up, bite the cat and move down a square, and I was just wondering what on earth are you doing?" the kid looked up at him and replied "I'm practicing being a truck driver." The truck driver just kind of scratched his head, looked at the kid again and said "What on earth do you mean 'practicing being a truck driver'?" the kid calmly looks back up at the driver and says "I'm just popin pills, chasing tail and scooting on down the road"


I Think this is a True Story Mr. Nasty

The other night a guy was invited out for a night with "the boys". He
told
his wife that he would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At
around
2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, He headed for home. Just as he got in
the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized she'd probably
wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of
himself,
having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible
conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told
her
twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that
one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted."

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slusher

The other night a guy was invited out for a night with "the boys". He
told
his wife that he would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At
around
2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, He headed for home. Just as he got in
the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized she'd probably
wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of
himself,
having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible
conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told
her
twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that
one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted."

**Alright I want evryone who has done this to raise their hands...**

How come I see your hand in the air WheelBroker?? *j/k*

In all honesty I got busted by a motion detector cow *L* one of those things that makes the MOOO noise when someone walks past it... sure enough come in late, close the door all nice and slow, creep around the edge to avoid the creeking of the boards, cross through a doorway and "MOOOOOOO, MOOOOOO, MOOOO!" like a fricken blowhorn in that silence..... Not by my wife but by my parents years ago... I think they figured that the cow scaring the poop out of me was punishment enough and so they just resorted to pointing and laughing...

heeeeee

Me Bad ,,,,Maybe ???/

quote:

ORIGINAL: WheelBrokerAng

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slusher

The other night a guy was invited out for a night with "the boys". He
told
his wife that he would be home by midnight ..promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At
around
2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, He headed for home. Just as he got in
the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, he realized she'd probably
wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of
himself,
having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a
possible
conflict.

The next morning his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told
her
twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that
one!

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then farted."

**Alright I want evryone who has done this to raise their hands...**

How come I see your hand in the air WheelBroker?? *j/k*

why did the chicken cross the road you ask?

to get away from the KFC on the other side.....lol

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain.We're on our
final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and
I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can
hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well, " says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and
take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her
back to my room and well, you know."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new
stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the
plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit
to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The
old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear, he's gotta take a dump first."

Very funny!!! Thanks all!! Sir that's just too much.. MOo...Ha Ha.

ok here goes one.......

this homeless guy wonder inside a bar,,,,stumbling as he were drunk,, approaches a guy playing at the pool table and stumbling his words HE said......

I bet you 100 dollars i can bite my right eye..and puts 100 dollars on the pool table,, the other person thinks ( man this guy is so drunk he does not know which side is up ) there is no way that he can bite his eye......Ok you are on he screams......
The homeless guy smiles,,,,,, pulls out his fake RIGHT eye and bites it....he won 100 dollars the other man was furious , he had been taken but being a man of his word he paid the 100 dollars . after all no one said how he was goping to bite his eye

the homeless guiy said,, i give you a chance to earn the 100 dollars back....
I bet i can bite my left eye ..
The other man tought for a second mmmmmm there is no way that this guy has 2 fake eys , he can see ,YOU ARE ON He screams but make it 500 dollars ...the homeless man thinks for a second ( ok you are on ) .......after a hand shake,
he removes his false TEETH ( denture ) and with a grin bites the left eye

EASY MONEY HE SAID,, EASY MONEY.,,,,, As he stroll out of the bar

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his
porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my ****. I can splash it on my eyes."


This one really Hit my Funny Bone.....

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my German Shorthair and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time --- but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Here's two New Ones for All To Read..hope you like them !

Q. What do TupperWare and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a Tight Seal .

Another:

Q. Why is Divorce so Expensive ?

A. Because it's Worth it!


WheelBrokerAng

This one didn;t violate any rules but I almost fell out of my chair when I heard it!!!!! Enjoy!

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

ok here goes 1 ......

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -

"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the
other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
again. As an onlooker I was amazed at their hard work, but I couldn't
understand what they were doing. So I asked the hole digger, “I'm
impressed by the effort the two of you are putting into your work, but
I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner
follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped her brow
and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're
normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees
called in sick.”

quote:

ORIGINAL: RTexasF

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my ****. I can splash it on my eyes."


This one really Hit my Funny Bone.....

Hey, what happened to "Don't forget we have women members guys"?

So let them post jokes about blonde men then.

what do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool? An air bubble

Great Idea TEX..

quote:

ORIGINAL: RTexasF

So let them post jokes about blonde men then.