I tried to throw a yoyo away today, it was impossible!

this one time I seen a wineo he was eating grapes I was like "dude you have to wait!"

my roommate said to me "I'm gonna go shave and take a shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" it's like some wierd BUTT quiz where he reveals the answer first!

"if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up"

this shirt is "dry clean only"...which means it's dirty.

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetary plot as a christmas gift.... The next year , I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,
Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!
And that's how the fight got started....

Hope you liked that one...

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The Waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
" I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, " Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

WheelBrokerAng

 

ITALIAN MOTHERS KNOW

A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our up coming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiney that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale
And then the fight started....

You like ? Sure you do...

 

Police comments you may of heard at one time or another in your life...

" Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They will streatch after you wear them for a while."
or...
" If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
or...how about this one...
" If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

And then there was this one...

" Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullett that'll be chasing you."

Hope you enjoyed these few..I have more and I will come back and put in some more for you to laugh at..

 

hahaha, these are great, I just found this and have been laughing the whole time.
I really like the south jokes cause I live in TN and we all know how many rednecks are there!!
Keep em coming

 

One Liners...

Save Time . . . see it my way.

The only thing you have to do is breathe ; Everything else is
just optional .

And
1 more

Every time I walk into a singles bar , I can hear Mom's wise words : "Don't pick that up !! You don't know where it's been!!"

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The women behind the counter asked me for my drivers License to verify my age.
I felt in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the women that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The women said, " Unbutton your shirt".
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application right then.
When I got home , I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, " You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.!

And then the FIGHT Started...

 

When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of 1st, the shed, the boat, making beer...Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass , busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute , and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush , I said , " When your finish cutting the grass , you might want to sweep the driveway."
The doctors say that I will walk again someday, but I will always have a limp.